The Captain of My Soul

After many long hours and several heart attacks, it is finally done.

Meet Capt. Elliot Bragg, the hero of / inspiration for Project Skybound.


This painting is fairly important to me. It feels like the first major step after years and years of just dreaming about making art. I'm slowly waking up to the hope that - perhaps, possibly, maybe - there's still enough room in this world to create, and I could spend my life doing it.

'...I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.'
- Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Master Study - #1

My first attempt at a master study.
The original Image is Frank Frazetta's Silver Warrior.

For each study, I broke it down into individual components.

Gesture + Perspective

Design + Composition

Value Study

Reverse Construction
And then a personal attempt based on the major elements of the original. Some kind of undead rider of beasts on a moonlit night.
I must confess that I have no bloody idea what I'm doing yet. Studying master artists is one of the pillars of mastery however.
More to come.

OVAD #30

All Hands! All hands to sail and line!
Thunderous might against our cabin roars
Swift rage yearns to unravel all we've wrought
No sooner than we saw the shores of home

Hold steadfast your ground against the beast
Let it break our backs but not our hearts
When the storm has ceased its empty threat
New winds will come to bid us journey on

Disaster Strikes!

This morning a painting that I had been working on was damaged during a save. I had invested significant hours and effort into it at this point.

Naturally - I was a bit heated.

Being the neurotic person that I am, little things have a tendency to go FULL TILT into the shit zone. So for the next 12 hours I proceeded to tear apart the internet looking for a fix. This proved fruitless and lead to what we like to call a 'Mini Brain Melt', in which existential questions are raised and thoughts of the end are entertained.

Calm has thankfully arrived, and I recall a story that Bobby Chiu talks about in his book The Perfect Bait. When just starting out in the business he lost not just one painting, but all of his portfolio to a hard drive crash.

Then what did he do?

HE MADE ANOTHER ONE

What. A. Boss. If he can do that, then I can get over one damn painting. This time it'll be even better.

Come to think, it's probably a good thing to get this little stumbling block out of the way. Not much was lost and it taught me a great lesson: ALWAYS BACK UP YOUR FILES!  Double, triple, quadruple save them if you have to! Put them on CD's, then put those CD's on VHS Tapes! Back up your shit!

But more importantly:
Things are going to come out of left field no matter what. It's up to you to take a step back and realize that it isn't the end of the world. You can recover, get up, and do it again. Don't let one little bump bring your whole world down. You're made of tougher stuff than that.

Art Journey Update - Solo trek

So, it's been quite a strange year.
The hell am I talking about, every year is a strange year.
And they just keep getting stranger and stranger...
Exponential strange-ocity.

But hey that's life. DEAL WIF IT

Anyways just wanted to put an update 'out there'.
Major decision for this year, I've decided to hold off on going to animation school.
The reasons being:

1. To see how far I can push on my own


2. To explore and begin making art that I can show


3. To prepare for school


4. To work and save up money

Over the next year I will document my progress weekly. Posting up art I've been working on, reflections on the journey, and resources that I find along they way. Maybe someone else can learn from my solo trek up the art mountain.

Seneca Portfolio Pieces

Yesterday I handed in my portfolio for the Seneca Animation Program.

9 months of work it took to get here, but I can finally use my hands the way they were meant to be used.

This is just the start. A lifetime more of exploration awaits.

The Road to No Job

There is a certain expectation that comes along with graduating. It can only be described as 'The Maturity of Independence'. Not only does it feel like the world expects you to have all your marbles in a line, you can't help but expect it of yourself as well.  I have reached this stage in life and find myself lacking.

While all my business friends have worked their way into corporate positions - and because they diligently added to their resumes before graduation - transitioning neatly into the workforce, I am back home in much the same position of inexperience as when I was in first year. Well... darnit.

I guess I should have foreseen this and prepared my transition, but really I had no desire to do so. I still have no desire to do so. The simple truth is, I never want to have a job. At least not one in a purely business sense. When I get into animation I will definitely need to pay my dues, but that won't be work at all. I am currently moving towards that realm but it will take some time for me to get there, and I can foresee at lot more expenses and responsibilities coming my way.

To lighten the oncoming financial load and spur my personal growth, I have decided to pursue the road of entrepreneurship. It will be a learning process but in the end, I hope to build something of worth for myself that will allow me to live comfortably and pursue all the things I want to do.

The journey starts here with the intriguing subject of passive income. Essentially it is money earned by systems that run even when you're not working on them, such as royalties, or advertising. Steve Pavlina does a great job off explaining the principles behind it in his passive income series. I urge you to check it out.

So to kick off my road to independence, here is my first goal:

I will create a new stream of passive income by December 31, 2012, that generates at least $100 per month on average and endures for a minimum of 5 years

In the right direction

A chapter of my life has ended and a new one begins.

Home after 4 years, and wow, what a ride that was. I learned an unbelievable amount during university, not strictly about business either. The greatest knowledge I have gained is of myself; self-awareness and a bit of wisdom to go along with it. I finally know what I want, after years of searching blind and stumbling all over the place.

I know where I belong, and what work I was born to do.

He turns the page
The bright lit stage
Unveils and plays begin

It is time to jump right into the mix. In order not to lose the momentum generated by the conclusion of my education, I must set my course accurately. So far, it seems I'm off to a good start. This summer, and perhaps the rest of this year will be devoted to building a good basis for the rest of my life. I will become self-sustaining, self-motivated, and self-fulfilling in these four areas of my life:

1. Get in amazing Physical Shape


2. Dive into Animation & Art


3. Increase my Personal Development


4. Find a way to Never Have a Job

Utilizing this blog to it's full advantage will help me learn better. It allows for good reinforcement, and is also great practice for writing well. Hopefully this is the starting point in my plan to become more publicly visible and create some kind of value for other people. For now I will still treat this as something personal, a ground for me to work out my thoughts and such.

There is a lot of work still to do and the big picture is still as fuzzy but my gut says we are moving in the right direction. These days are filled with a hope and peace about the future. Now excuse me, it is time to get to work.

Paralyzed

I feel the fear coursing through my veins.

I feel confusion and despair spreading to every inch of my body like some black bile being released from deep within my cells. Tiny tendrils of liquid fire burning all it touches. My body betrays me. My mind is anesthetized and the sparks of thought grow dim. My jaw muscles ache, and the skin on my face feels as though it is stretching in every direction at once. Eventually it will tear and pull away from my face to reveal a vulnerable corpse, naked in fear.

Confusion reigns.

Thoughts bounce around like rubber balls in friction less space, gathering speed every time they collide with the walls I've built inside my mind, slowly drumming holes into my well-laid plans. Doubt blankets me in shadow, feeding the cycle with pieces of my sanity. Vicious. Viscous. Veracious. Tearing me apart and never letting go.

What is this pain I feel? Where has it come from?

It is within me so the only logical answer must be that I have created it. I have buried a sleeping agony into the sands of my subconscious. It releases itself like a plague as each layer of sediment is revealed. Bubbles of gaseous crimson that soak into my core and corrupt my soul. Self-doubt, self-hate, self-loathing, all stemming from one source; myself.

I desire so much.

I desire to be wise. I desire to be successful. I desire to find love. And these desires in me create a constant pain because I have not attained them. And when I do, what then? Will the pain cease? Or will these desires be replaced by others? Bars to keep me in this place. Specifically, at this point in my life, my greatest desire is placed onto the future.

I want to be a great artist. The best this world has seen. I want to create from the heart, letting skill and creativity flow like a font from my pen, splashing onto the page in the form of brilliant colors, shapes, and stories that will dazzle the eyes and capture hearts. I want to create worlds, letting them out from the expanse of my mind, releasing them into the world for others to see. I want to be able to say things in my creations that I cannot say out loud. I want to love my work, so I can love myself.

This is my dream. This is my life. This is my purpose. I can feel it in my bones.
Is this why it causes me so much pain?

The path forward is daunting. The road ahead is rough and uncertain. The obstacles in front of me seem monstrous. And the fear inside me is paralyzing.

I.
Am.
So.
Scared.

..But I cannot let it win.
I will not let it win.
I will push past it to seize each new day.
As I live, I learn.. that fear itself is nothing to fear.

More to come

I've made so much progress these past few weeks. It really feels like I'm starting to find a balance, a steady beat to tap my feet to. But it's not enough. I want so much more. I want to grow and grow and grow and grow and grow.. There's just so much of life to taste, so many mountains to conquer, and so much to learn. I want to learn it all. I'm thirsty, like a man in a desert, for the liquid of experience. Hungry beyond belief. I hunger for more. And what's truly beautiful is, I know I can get it.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us..." - M. Williamson

The belief is finally there. The courage I've been seeking is seeping back into my bones, and I am beginning to feel like myself, who I'm meant to be. With that, all that is left is to set my targets and shoot for the moon. So then, here's a list of what I want to do:

• Learn:




• Art:




• 2d/3d Animation


• Web Design


• Graphic Design


• Illustration


• Character Design


• Concept Art


• Painting in water colour/acrylic/oils/etc.


• Graffiti


• Street-art


• and just about everything else




• Cognitive:




• Shifting states of mind


• Lucid dreaming


• Improving memory & retrieval


• Reading people


• True critical thinking


• Improving reaction speed


• Controlling focus


• Meditative techniques


• Speed-reading




• Physical:




• Flipping


• Free-running


• Aggressive Inline


• Snowboard tricks


• Old school dancing


• Bboying




• Writing:




• Poetry


• Short-stories


• Blogging


• Drafting a story for film/Screen writing


• Letters

Woke up today...

Woke up today at an acceptable 9 AM, and proceeded to go through my morning routine. So far this consists of meditation and breakfast right away (I've been alternating between the two), then a little bit of luminosity or reading up on various things or just plain wasting time waiting to digest. Then after a rough hour or so, head to the gym, then lunch, then homework and classes.

In truth, the gym thing hasn't really been happening so far. I have a routine printed out, I have the desire to get fit, but some things happen that get in the way. Usually when I end up waking up after 9, which I'm trying to avoid, I begin to rationalize not going because the gym will be packed, or its too late and I have other work do, I don't have the time, this and that and the other thing. Then what happens is I don't end up going, I feel sluggish, end up wasting time because I feel sluggish, and then I'm demotivated for the entire day. This is absolutely horrible because when I get sluggish, I don't feel like doing aaaanything. Not even putting effort towards interactions or simple tasks.

It's not just the gym thing either. I feel like I'm not using my time effectively at all. The day, with it's endless possibilities, and I'm left grasping at straws trying to simply just push myself towards a goal. In the moment to moment, I stumble here and there, my mind wandering away somewhere that has no benefit to me. I don't like this. I don't like it at all. In fact I hate it. If I can't use my days effectively, then it means I can't use my life effectively. Until I learn the former, I can't do the latter.

Now, I've been trying. God know I've been trying for most of my life to get over this whatever-it-is keeping me back. And Lord knows I know that it's something within myself. I've been searching for clarity in my life and distilling what's really important, I've been meditating and clearing my mind, and I've been trying hard. At times I feel close to achieving the balance, but at others, like at this moment, I feel a bit disconnected from it.

What does this mean for me then? Well, the only way is to keep moving forward so I shall. I need to try harder, and not only harder but smarter. I need to get my butt and mind into gear. I can't just sit on my ass anymore and wait for the answer to come. It will come, but I need also to create it.

Several things that can be done:
- Change up my routine, solve the conflicts in order to get a good flow set up
- Record my bad habits (thoughts as well as actions)
- Replace them with good habits
- Remind myself of my goals at all times
- Avoid/Eliminate/Reduce distractions to a minimum
- Stop worrying so much, life is a learning process and we gotta take it one beat at a time

Fragments

Everyone must find their own niche in this world, be you rich or poor, sick or healthy, born in fear or in love. Each individual has their part to play, their path to follow, and actions to take. I thought I almost grasped exactly what this meant, but it dissolved back into my mind.

Once upon a time, there was a man who was given a mirror by a magi. The man looked into the mirror and said to it, "Show me the faces of my loved ones." It did so willingly, showing the man his wife and children, his friends and relatives, and his dog. Then the man said, "Show me the faces of my enemies." The mirror churned and showed a myriad of faces, thieves and murderers, all the evil people of the world. The man finally said, "Now show me my own face." At this the mirror shattered into ten thousand pieces.

He saw in each piece a different reflection; one working in the fields under the sun, one basking in the attention of others, one building a house with his own hands, one lying on a boat almost dead, one standing still on the mountain, one holding up another figure, one being dragged into a pit of tar, one shouting to the heavens in joy, and one in pain. Endless faces, each one different but his own.

The man stood transfixed and confused, unable to grasp just what this meant. The magi slowly took the mirror from him and said, "To see another's face is easy enough, because you see through your eyes alone, but to see yourself is to see the ten thousand faces of possibility. Each one is just as likely as the next. It is up to you to choose which face you will honor by displaying." The man walked away, still confused, but filled with a sense of hope. For within the ten thousand pieces of himself, he had glimpsed for a split second, one that made him happy.

Time Divine

Pause.
I take this breath in time divine to remind my mind to leave behind
A space between each pulsing rhyme.
Find me floating here in familiar place so unfamiliar,
Resting as if in a dormant robin's nest,
Built in the cracks of an abandoned skyscraper.
Only temporary; for after a season the robin will move on,
As much as the changing weather, finding a new home and elsewhere to rest.

I find myself sitting here in my room, doing something... something... trying to find what that something is. trying to tease the answer from my subconscious, looking inside my body space where I've looked so often before, knowing that I will not, and cannot find an answer there. There is only presence, and if I seek to turn presence into purpose I will be left yearning. Being is being, and doing is doing.

So I will let myself be; and make myself choose. I choose to write here and now, I choose to stay in on this rainy night, I choose to contemplate a bit and plan for better days ahead. There is nothing wrong here, no grievous crime that could merit feelings of guilt or crime against myself. I choose.

I have all the time in the world; blessed time, blessed peace, and blessed consciousness. Freedoms and luxuries afforded to only a margin of people in this world of turmoil, but appreciated so little by so many. I myself, am just beginning to learn how. So much of it we spend on trivial things, I know. We misuse this beautiful resource afforded to us by the hard work of our predecessors, spending it not on furthering ourselves, bettering the world, nor enjoying the life around us. Instead it goes to repetitious pleasure seeking, distractions from reality, self pity, self loathing, and the self.

Imagine our lives like a beach, and time is the sand. Not difficult due to the ingrained connection between the two. As we walk slowly along the beach to the lighthouse in the distance, we can feel the sand beneath us, supporting our movements, giving us leverage. We pick up a handful, feel the warmth and grainy texture of it, smell familiarity and see the infinite possibilities. Instead of crafting castles however, we take the sand and toss into the waves, letting it wash away forever.

Is this really necessary? To a degree yes. Human beings must throw away some of their life, perhaps to be able to learn how precious it really is. It's in our nature. We are neither perfect nor obligated to use all of our time for "correct" purposes. Who is even to say what the correct purpose is? That very issue is dependent on the person and the type of life being led. For all intents and purposes, I will define wasteful activities as those that counteract the nature of the life being led.

In my life those actions consist of various things: meaningless entertainment on the internet, time spent on self-consciousness, waiting for a decision to come to me, searching for excuses, wasting a better part of a day sleeping, oh and more meaningless browsing on the internet. Hours of a day can go by, chunks at times, or a little here a little there. All because I'm not using or directing my resources in the right direction.

This is not what I want. I want to be building castles, lasting reminders to myself and those around me that I do in fact exist, and I did something substantial in my lifetime with my lifetime.

A Journey Begins

"Know thyself."
Plato 

"Creativity is an act of self-discovery."
Sebastian Esteverena 

"I write to discover what I think."
Joan Didion 

"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself. "
Abraham Maslow 

My name is Aaron.

As of last weekend I am 22 years old.

I love the sound of rain against windows, crunching leaves in autumn, and the muffled voices of close friends as I rest.

My greatest fear is that I will never push beyond my own inertia, allowing myself to fall into a state of continuous disappointment.

My wildest dream is... well... I'm not entirely sure at the moment.

Which brings me to why I'm here. Using this web journal as a tool, I will attempt to grasp some little thread of understanding about my self, my soul, and my existence (A little ambitious don't you think Aaron?/Perhaps, but what can we do but try?). I will release some thoughts onto the pages here, so they aren't stuck flying inside my head like so many fireflies. Some things I hope to accomplish with this blog:

1. Develop courage and confidence in myself


2. Improve my writing skills


3. Find my goals and dreams and the motivation to pursue them


4. Explore the vast array of things in this world that interest me


5. Constantly look for ways to grow


6. Become a more creative person


7. Learn to enjoy this life

I don't know where any of this will take me or how I might get there, but deep down in my gut I know it can't be anywhere bad.