I feel the fear coursing through my veins.
I feel confusion and despair spreading to every inch of my body like some black bile being released from deep within my cells. Tiny tendrils of liquid fire burning all it touches. My body betrays me. My mind is anesthetized and the sparks of thought grow dim. My jaw muscles ache, and the skin on my face feels as though it is stretching in every direction at once. Eventually it will tear and pull away from my face to reveal a vulnerable corpse, naked in fear.
Thoughts bounce around like rubber balls in friction less space, gathering speed every time they collide with the walls I've built inside my mind, slowly drumming holes into my well-laid plans. Doubt blankets me in shadow, feeding the cycle with pieces of my sanity. Vicious. Viscous. Veracious. Tearing me apart and never letting go.
What is this pain I feel? Where has it come from?
It is within me so the only logical answer must be that I have created it. I have buried a sleeping agony into the sands of my subconscious. It releases itself like a plague as each layer of sediment is revealed. Bubbles of gaseous crimson that soak into my core and corrupt my soul. Self-doubt, self-hate, self-loathing, all stemming from one source; myself.
I desire so much.
I desire to be wise. I desire to be successful. I desire to find love. And these desires in me create a constant pain because I have not attained them. And when I do, what then? Will the pain cease? Or will these desires be replaced by others? Bars to keep me in this place. Specifically, at this point in my life, my greatest desire is placed onto the future.
I want to be a great artist. The best this world has seen. I want to create from the heart, letting skill and creativity flow like a font from my pen, splashing onto the page in the form of brilliant colors, shapes, and stories that will dazzle the eyes and capture hearts. I want to create worlds, letting them out from the expanse of my mind, releasing them into the world for others to see. I want to be able to say things in my creations that I cannot say out loud. I want to love my work, so I can love myself.
This is my dream. This is my life. This is my purpose. I can feel it in my bones.
Is this why it causes me so much pain?
The path forward is daunting. The road ahead is rough and uncertain. The obstacles in front of me seem monstrous. And the fear inside me is paralyzing.
..But I cannot let it win.
I will not let it win.
I will push past it to seize each new day.
As I live, I learn.. that fear itself is nothing to fear.