Woke up today...

Woke up today at an acceptable 9 AM, and proceeded to go through my morning routine. So far this consists of meditation and breakfast right away (I've been alternating between the two), then a little bit of luminosity or reading up on various things or just plain wasting time waiting to digest. Then after a rough hour or so, head to the gym, then lunch, then homework and classes.

In truth, the gym thing hasn't really been happening so far. I have a routine printed out, I have the desire to get fit, but some things happen that get in the way. Usually when I end up waking up after 9, which I'm trying to avoid, I begin to rationalize not going because the gym will be packed, or its too late and I have other work do, I don't have the time, this and that and the other thing. Then what happens is I don't end up going, I feel sluggish, end up wasting time because I feel sluggish, and then I'm demotivated for the entire day. This is absolutely horrible because when I get sluggish, I don't feel like doing aaaanything. Not even putting effort towards interactions or simple tasks.

It's not just the gym thing either. I feel like I'm not using my time effectively at all. The day, with it's endless possibilities, and I'm left grasping at straws trying to simply just push myself towards a goal. In the moment to moment, I stumble here and there, my mind wandering away somewhere that has no benefit to me. I don't like this. I don't like it at all. In fact I hate it. If I can't use my days effectively, then it means I can't use my life effectively. Until I learn the former, I can't do the latter.

Now, I've been trying. God know I've been trying for most of my life to get over this whatever-it-is keeping me back. And Lord knows I know that it's something within myself. I've been searching for clarity in my life and distilling what's really important, I've been meditating and clearing my mind, and I've been trying hard. At times I feel close to achieving the balance, but at others, like at this moment, I feel a bit disconnected from it.

What does this mean for me then? Well, the only way is to keep moving forward so I shall. I need to try harder, and not only harder but smarter. I need to get my butt and mind into gear. I can't just sit on my ass anymore and wait for the answer to come. It will come, but I need also to create it.

Several things that can be done:
- Change up my routine, solve the conflicts in order to get a good flow set up
- Record my bad habits (thoughts as well as actions)
- Replace them with good habits
- Remind myself of my goals at all times
- Avoid/Eliminate/Reduce distractions to a minimum
- Stop worrying so much, life is a learning process and we gotta take it one beat at a time

Fragments

Everyone must find their own niche in this world, be you rich or poor, sick or healthy, born in fear or in love. Each individual has their part to play, their path to follow, and actions to take. I thought I almost grasped exactly what this meant, but it dissolved back into my mind.

Once upon a time, there was a man who was given a mirror by a magi. The man looked into the mirror and said to it, "Show me the faces of my loved ones." It did so willingly, showing the man his wife and children, his friends and relatives, and his dog. Then the man said, "Show me the faces of my enemies." The mirror churned and showed a myriad of faces, thieves and murderers, all the evil people of the world. The man finally said, "Now show me my own face." At this the mirror shattered into ten thousand pieces.

He saw in each piece a different reflection; one working in the fields under the sun, one basking in the attention of others, one building a house with his own hands, one lying on a boat almost dead, one standing still on the mountain, one holding up another figure, one being dragged into a pit of tar, one shouting to the heavens in joy, and one in pain. Endless faces, each one different but his own.

The man stood transfixed and confused, unable to grasp just what this meant. The magi slowly took the mirror from him and said, "To see another's face is easy enough, because you see through your eyes alone, but to see yourself is to see the ten thousand faces of possibility. Each one is just as likely as the next. It is up to you to choose which face you will honor by displaying." The man walked away, still confused, but filled with a sense of hope. For within the ten thousand pieces of himself, he had glimpsed for a split second, one that made him happy.

Time Divine

Pause.
I take this breath in time divine to remind my mind to leave behind
A space between each pulsing rhyme.
Find me floating here in familiar place so unfamiliar,
Resting as if in a dormant robin's nest,
Built in the cracks of an abandoned skyscraper.
Only temporary; for after a season the robin will move on,
As much as the changing weather, finding a new home and elsewhere to rest.

I find myself sitting here in my room, doing something... something... trying to find what that something is. trying to tease the answer from my subconscious, looking inside my body space where I've looked so often before, knowing that I will not, and cannot find an answer there. There is only presence, and if I seek to turn presence into purpose I will be left yearning. Being is being, and doing is doing.

So I will let myself be; and make myself choose. I choose to write here and now, I choose to stay in on this rainy night, I choose to contemplate a bit and plan for better days ahead. There is nothing wrong here, no grievous crime that could merit feelings of guilt or crime against myself. I choose.

I have all the time in the world; blessed time, blessed peace, and blessed consciousness. Freedoms and luxuries afforded to only a margin of people in this world of turmoil, but appreciated so little by so many. I myself, am just beginning to learn how. So much of it we spend on trivial things, I know. We misuse this beautiful resource afforded to us by the hard work of our predecessors, spending it not on furthering ourselves, bettering the world, nor enjoying the life around us. Instead it goes to repetitious pleasure seeking, distractions from reality, self pity, self loathing, and the self.

Imagine our lives like a beach, and time is the sand. Not difficult due to the ingrained connection between the two. As we walk slowly along the beach to the lighthouse in the distance, we can feel the sand beneath us, supporting our movements, giving us leverage. We pick up a handful, feel the warmth and grainy texture of it, smell familiarity and see the infinite possibilities. Instead of crafting castles however, we take the sand and toss into the waves, letting it wash away forever.

Is this really necessary? To a degree yes. Human beings must throw away some of their life, perhaps to be able to learn how precious it really is. It's in our nature. We are neither perfect nor obligated to use all of our time for "correct" purposes. Who is even to say what the correct purpose is? That very issue is dependent on the person and the type of life being led. For all intents and purposes, I will define wasteful activities as those that counteract the nature of the life being led.

In my life those actions consist of various things: meaningless entertainment on the internet, time spent on self-consciousness, waiting for a decision to come to me, searching for excuses, wasting a better part of a day sleeping, oh and more meaningless browsing on the internet. Hours of a day can go by, chunks at times, or a little here a little there. All because I'm not using or directing my resources in the right direction.

This is not what I want. I want to be building castles, lasting reminders to myself and those around me that I do in fact exist, and I did something substantial in my lifetime with my lifetime.