Woke up today at an acceptable 9 AM, and proceeded to go through my morning routine. So far this consists of meditation and breakfast right away (I've been alternating between the two), then a little bit of luminosity or reading up on various things or just plain wasting time waiting to digest. Then after a rough hour or so, head to the gym, then lunch, then homework and classes.
In truth, the gym thing hasn't really been happening so far. I have a routine printed out, I have the desire to get fit, but some things happen that get in the way. Usually when I end up waking up after 9, which I'm trying to avoid, I begin to rationalize not going because the gym will be packed, or its too late and I have other work do, I don't have the time, this and that and the other thing. Then what happens is I don't end up going, I feel sluggish, end up wasting time because I feel sluggish, and then I'm demotivated for the entire day. This is absolutely horrible because when I get sluggish, I don't feel like doing aaaanything. Not even putting effort towards interactions or simple tasks.
It's not just the gym thing either. I feel like I'm not using my time effectively at all. The day, with it's endless possibilities, and I'm left grasping at straws trying to simply just push myself towards a goal. In the moment to moment, I stumble here and there, my mind wandering away somewhere that has no benefit to me. I don't like this. I don't like it at all. In fact I hate it. If I can't use my days effectively, then it means I can't use my life effectively. Until I learn the former, I can't do the latter.
Now, I've been trying. God know I've been trying for most of my life to get over this whatever-it-is keeping me back. And Lord knows I know that it's something within myself. I've been searching for clarity in my life and distilling what's really important, I've been meditating and clearing my mind, and I've been trying hard. At times I feel close to achieving the balance, but at others, like at this moment, I feel a bit disconnected from it.
What does this mean for me then? Well, the only way is to keep moving forward so I shall. I need to try harder, and not only harder but smarter. I need to get my butt and mind into gear. I can't just sit on my ass anymore and wait for the answer to come. It will come, but I need also to create it.
Several things that can be done:
- Change up my routine, solve the conflicts in order to get a good flow set up
- Record my bad habits (thoughts as well as actions)
- Replace them with good habits
- Remind myself of my goals at all times
- Avoid/Eliminate/Reduce distractions to a minimum
- Stop worrying so much, life is a learning process and we gotta take it one beat at a time
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